So here's my 2nd half...more entertaining, but still things to be thankful for. After all, what would life be like with amusement...?!
16. dark chocolate...makes everything better, and you can use the excuse that it's healthy...need i say more?!
17. flip flops...my toes love the freedom!! :)
18. coke...(coca-cola)...i must admit...i am likely addicted, but i love good old coke classic...makes mornings bearable!!
19. McDonald's french fries...along with a coke, the best snack ever...! this combo is likely to be my achilles heel...
20. numbers...without numbers, we couldn't have math, patterns, phone numbers, birthdates, not even a social security number...and i'd get bored without math to do...!
21. my '67 VW beetle...a classic...and it always puts me in a good mood to drive it...as long as it's below 90 degrees here in S. Ga!...
22. microwave ovens...they've been around about as long as i have, but i can't imagine life without it...how would i make popcorn or heat water...?!
23. pencils...i can't imagine my job if they couldn't write in something that could be erased...so i guess that includes erasers, too!
24. chocolate chip cookies...no explanation necessary...
25. San Francisco...my favorite place to go. Such a menagerie...love all the unique parts...
And a few sentimental ones...
26. lady bugs...
27. a crisp, cool fall day...
28. snow...
29. a beautiful sunset...
30. Lake Tahoe...nothing else like it...!
Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving day!!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
I've Got Plenty to Be Thankful For...
From the words of Bing Crosby, in one of my favorite movies, Holiday Inn. But it really is true...i've got plenty to be thankful for...So, i thought i would just be grateful...here goes...
1. my salvation...without it, i'd be hopeless and helpless...thank you, Jesus, for Your sacrifice
2. a loving God..who loves me just because...not because of anything i've done, and more than i can imagine
3. my husband...who loves me more than i deserve, and tolerates my quirkiness :) (and i love him lots, too!)
4. my son...truly a gift, too much like me, a lot like my dad, his own unique self...i wouldn't change a thing
5. my job...even though it isn't necessarily what i would have chosen, i am grateful to have a job, with Christian co-workers, good leadership, and an opportunity to be a light...
6. my home...more than a house, it's a place that i feel safe, know that i am provided for, and know i will always have a roof over my head...now-a-days, that's a plus!
7. godly parents...who raised me to be responsible, taught me the Truth, led me in the way of the Father, took care of me, and then let me learn from my own experiences. if only more children could have that privilege...
8. music...it is the language of my soul...be it secular or sacred, i can express my innermost longings, thoughts, joys, hurts, frustrations, celebrations...i can't imagine life without music...i feel as though when i play, everything inside of me comes to life...
9. family...they are with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly...and they are usually the ones that see the ugly the most...but they love you anyway...and usually like you, too! :)
10. the Bible...when everything else seems to contradict, it is the one thing that remains true...living and active...my lamp and my light...hidden in my heart...no one can take that away.
11. trials...it is only in these times that i truly understand how much i need God, and meet Him in a fresh, new way. that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...so much truth to that. i would not be who i am today were it not for the trials He has carried me through...
12. grandparents(mine and others!)...so full of wisdom, love and history...i only wish i had figured it out a little sooner than i did...i'd have gleaned more from those already gone...it makes life so much more meaningful, vivid, and valuable.
13. soldiers...both military and spiritual...without both of them, we wouldn't be where we are today, able to worship our Holy God. thank you!
14. food...even though i can be rather picky, it's always better to have something, even when it's not your favorite!
15. a public education...although it often doesn't prove as useful as they'd like you to believe...it does indeed develop many other needed things...social, moral, leadership, relational, criticism, standing up for what you believe in, respecting authority, learning how to live under authority, even when you may not always completely agree...
i've got plenty more to be thankful for, but for tonight, i'll end it at that...! the next batch will be a little more light-hearted! until next time...(na-nu, na-nu!)
1. my salvation...without it, i'd be hopeless and helpless...thank you, Jesus, for Your sacrifice
2. a loving God..who loves me just because...not because of anything i've done, and more than i can imagine
3. my husband...who loves me more than i deserve, and tolerates my quirkiness :) (and i love him lots, too!)
4. my son...truly a gift, too much like me, a lot like my dad, his own unique self...i wouldn't change a thing
5. my job...even though it isn't necessarily what i would have chosen, i am grateful to have a job, with Christian co-workers, good leadership, and an opportunity to be a light...
6. my home...more than a house, it's a place that i feel safe, know that i am provided for, and know i will always have a roof over my head...now-a-days, that's a plus!
7. godly parents...who raised me to be responsible, taught me the Truth, led me in the way of the Father, took care of me, and then let me learn from my own experiences. if only more children could have that privilege...
8. music...it is the language of my soul...be it secular or sacred, i can express my innermost longings, thoughts, joys, hurts, frustrations, celebrations...i can't imagine life without music...i feel as though when i play, everything inside of me comes to life...
9. family...they are with you through the good, the bad, and the ugly...and they are usually the ones that see the ugly the most...but they love you anyway...and usually like you, too! :)
10. the Bible...when everything else seems to contradict, it is the one thing that remains true...living and active...my lamp and my light...hidden in my heart...no one can take that away.
11. trials...it is only in these times that i truly understand how much i need God, and meet Him in a fresh, new way. that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...so much truth to that. i would not be who i am today were it not for the trials He has carried me through...
12. grandparents(mine and others!)...so full of wisdom, love and history...i only wish i had figured it out a little sooner than i did...i'd have gleaned more from those already gone...it makes life so much more meaningful, vivid, and valuable.
13. soldiers...both military and spiritual...without both of them, we wouldn't be where we are today, able to worship our Holy God. thank you!
14. food...even though i can be rather picky, it's always better to have something, even when it's not your favorite!
15. a public education...although it often doesn't prove as useful as they'd like you to believe...it does indeed develop many other needed things...social, moral, leadership, relational, criticism, standing up for what you believe in, respecting authority, learning how to live under authority, even when you may not always completely agree...
i've got plenty more to be thankful for, but for tonight, i'll end it at that...! the next batch will be a little more light-hearted! until next time...(na-nu, na-nu!)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Fairy Tale...
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.” CharlesKingsley, Alice’s Father, Alice in Wonderland.
Ever feel like you have popped out of a fairy tale somewhere? I have never been one to be a princess. Never my dream…never felt like I really fit into that princess mentality. But I’ve always felt like I can relate to Alice. Especially on the latest release, as Alice is older and returns to Underland.
Alice seemed to have a special bond with her father, much like I did. It was as though we could communicate without ever saying a word. We thought alike. I think we dreamed alike. I wish I had been able to talk him more about it, but I didn’t know at the time. So here I am now, trying to understand it all. I feel like as she said, "Nothing ever stopped him. And I'm his daughter." (but why do i feel like something is stopping me?)
Seems like she never sleeps well, much like me. In fact, she states it later in the movie. Alice dreams of strange places…for her, it’s “wonderland” or Underland, as she later learns. As she talks to her father about it:
“So you think I’ve gone rather mad?” “I’m afraid so. All mad, bonkers, off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret; all the best people are. It’s only a dream Alice. Nothing can harm you there, but if you get too frightened, you can always wake up.” I’ve heard that same thing from my Heavenly Father…nothing can hurt you…you’re struggle is not against flesh and blood…
As she grows up, she didn’t want to follow the normal expectations and paths that were set before her. She was viewed by others as rather “different.” It seemed as though no one really listened to her, they simply tried to give her typical, common sense advice. She was not a typical girl. She was unique in her own ways. For instance, she “saw” things others didn’t. Following them took her somewhere they would never believe.
She is sought after by the people of Underland, yet doesn’t remember any of it. When asked “Is she the right Alice?” the Blue Caterpillar replies, “Not hardly.” She is frustrated because “from the moment I fell down that rabbit hole, I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not being Alice, but this is my dream, and I’ll decide where it goes from here.” ”If you diverge from the path…” “I make the path.”
How much I feel that way in my own life. Even more so, when talking with the Mad Hatter, he says, “You’re not the same as you were before. You used to be much more…’muchier’. You’ve lost your muchness.” Alice replies, “My muchness?” And the Hatter says “In there (pointing to her heart). Something’s missing.”
So my question is, how have I lost my muchness? What’s missing? What happened? I had such a dream, such a vision, such passion to follow what I believed was God’s leading.” Yet, I feel so much like Alice, where most of the people around me think I’m a little out of my wits. Most don’t understand. I cling to the fact that the only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible. Yet, when I try to achieve it, I get that “NO” in my spirit to my intention. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to sit here and twiddle my thumbs, doing what appears to be nothing…just waiting on You to show up? I know that my situations in the past have contributed to the loss of my muchness. I’m not sure as to how those things happened, or why, or what I should have done differently. I long to have my muchness back. Yet I feel like I am taken further and further away from muchness and more and more to obscurity.
Alice sees the truth in others, often as I feel I can sense the truth in situations. While I know that this is a fairy tale, I see my life in it so much. Alice ends up standing up for the truth, for what is right, championing for the good and for the truth. Finding that her “lunacy” was not lunacy at all, but the only truth in the whole crazy world she lived in. A world where she struggled for what was proper vs. what was her purpose.
I am there. I can’t just do the “proper” thing anymore. I have to find that “rabbit” that I continue to see glimpses of, yet lose as I start to follow. I feel like I have been here before; like I knew what the purpose was, yet I can’t seem to find it now. It’s not there…why can’t I remember? How do I find my muchness? I know what makes my heart sing. How do I get there? How much longer do I have to be in this Underland?
I long to conquer that “jabberwocky” that has held me captive for far too long. Hasn’t it been long enough? Take me back to that place where I know I am in Your will, living from the center of who I was designed to be. I long to hear..."At last..."
Ever feel like you have popped out of a fairy tale somewhere? I have never been one to be a princess. Never my dream…never felt like I really fit into that princess mentality. But I’ve always felt like I can relate to Alice. Especially on the latest release, as Alice is older and returns to Underland.
Alice seemed to have a special bond with her father, much like I did. It was as though we could communicate without ever saying a word. We thought alike. I think we dreamed alike. I wish I had been able to talk him more about it, but I didn’t know at the time. So here I am now, trying to understand it all. I feel like as she said, "Nothing ever stopped him. And I'm his daughter." (but why do i feel like something is stopping me?)
Seems like she never sleeps well, much like me. In fact, she states it later in the movie. Alice dreams of strange places…for her, it’s “wonderland” or Underland, as she later learns. As she talks to her father about it:
“So you think I’ve gone rather mad?” “I’m afraid so. All mad, bonkers, off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret; all the best people are. It’s only a dream Alice. Nothing can harm you there, but if you get too frightened, you can always wake up.” I’ve heard that same thing from my Heavenly Father…nothing can hurt you…you’re struggle is not against flesh and blood…
As she grows up, she didn’t want to follow the normal expectations and paths that were set before her. She was viewed by others as rather “different.” It seemed as though no one really listened to her, they simply tried to give her typical, common sense advice. She was not a typical girl. She was unique in her own ways. For instance, she “saw” things others didn’t. Following them took her somewhere they would never believe.
She is sought after by the people of Underland, yet doesn’t remember any of it. When asked “Is she the right Alice?” the Blue Caterpillar replies, “Not hardly.” She is frustrated because “from the moment I fell down that rabbit hole, I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not being Alice, but this is my dream, and I’ll decide where it goes from here.” ”If you diverge from the path…” “I make the path.”
How much I feel that way in my own life. Even more so, when talking with the Mad Hatter, he says, “You’re not the same as you were before. You used to be much more…’muchier’. You’ve lost your muchness.” Alice replies, “My muchness?” And the Hatter says “In there (pointing to her heart). Something’s missing.”
So my question is, how have I lost my muchness? What’s missing? What happened? I had such a dream, such a vision, such passion to follow what I believed was God’s leading.” Yet, I feel so much like Alice, where most of the people around me think I’m a little out of my wits. Most don’t understand. I cling to the fact that the only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible. Yet, when I try to achieve it, I get that “NO” in my spirit to my intention. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to sit here and twiddle my thumbs, doing what appears to be nothing…just waiting on You to show up? I know that my situations in the past have contributed to the loss of my muchness. I’m not sure as to how those things happened, or why, or what I should have done differently. I long to have my muchness back. Yet I feel like I am taken further and further away from muchness and more and more to obscurity.
Alice sees the truth in others, often as I feel I can sense the truth in situations. While I know that this is a fairy tale, I see my life in it so much. Alice ends up standing up for the truth, for what is right, championing for the good and for the truth. Finding that her “lunacy” was not lunacy at all, but the only truth in the whole crazy world she lived in. A world where she struggled for what was proper vs. what was her purpose.
I am there. I can’t just do the “proper” thing anymore. I have to find that “rabbit” that I continue to see glimpses of, yet lose as I start to follow. I feel like I have been here before; like I knew what the purpose was, yet I can’t seem to find it now. It’s not there…why can’t I remember? How do I find my muchness? I know what makes my heart sing. How do I get there? How much longer do I have to be in this Underland?
I long to conquer that “jabberwocky” that has held me captive for far too long. Hasn’t it been long enough? Take me back to that place where I know I am in Your will, living from the center of who I was designed to be. I long to hear..."At last..."
Friday, October 22, 2010
a beautiful mess?
i don't know where i'm going, but i know where i don't want to be. lately, life has seemed so confusing. so crazy. so messy. the more i try to seek Him, the more fog seems to settle around me. i'm not sure anymore where i'm heading, or what i even want to do. i only know what i don't want to do, and who i don't want to be. it seems that so much around us is "fake". it's all about impressions, possessions, and professions. but none of that is real. none of it matters in the big scheme of things. i'm tired of trying to play the game, check off my list, follow all the rules, stick to the board game. all it's gotten me is lost in the scheme of things. i know i don't want to be where i'm at right now. i don't want to stay in this world of the joneses. i don't want to win one's approval. i don't want a title or a prize. i don't want to be a judge of others; for what i judge in them is what i'm full of. i don't want to save the world; for i'll only lose my soul. i don't want to have it all; for i'll lose my sanity. i don't want to play by the rules or color in the lines any more. it's not who i am. and trying to "fit in" has nearly driven me out of my mind. i'm tired of trying to find the path i'm supposed to be on, or even the road i'm supposed to carve myself. i feel like it's got me stuck in the middle of a field of thorns, and i can't find my way out to capture that "flag" i've been searching for. i've always believed that i was meant to live for something so much more, yet i'm beginning to wonder if this is it...? was i looking to hard? was i dreaming too much? it's as thought there's that "one thing" that i desire to do...yet what is that? i just want to know that i am fulfilling His will. sure doesn't feel that way right now. i try to scream, but nothing comes out. break these chains that hold me down. let me swim to the surface so i can but breathe. if i'm to be invisible, let me at least feel Your presence. answer me...
"He will be like a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver. Then they will present offerings to the Lord in righteousness." (Mal. 3:3)
"Therefore, this is what the Lord of Hosts says: I am about to refine them and test them, for what else can I do because of My dear people?" (Jer. 9:7)
"I will put this third through the fire; I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them. I will say: They are my people, and they will say: The Lord is our God." (Zech. 13:9)
"He will be like a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver. Then they will present offerings to the Lord in righteousness." (Mal. 3:3)
"Therefore, this is what the Lord of Hosts says: I am about to refine them and test them, for what else can I do because of My dear people?" (Jer. 9:7)
"I will put this third through the fire; I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them. I will say: They are my people, and they will say: The Lord is our God." (Zech. 13:9)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Something Old, Something New...
Wow...it's been a while since i've posted...it has been quite a journey. but i don't feel like the same person since the last post...
i'm not sure exactly what He is doing, but more so now than ever, i know that he is working, moving, preparing me for something He wants me to partake in... The past few days have me almost giddy. Just in what i've been lead to in His word is enough...
08/03
"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?" (Isa. 43:19)
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Sam. 16:7)
08/04
"The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him." (Lam. 3:25)
"This is what the Lord says, He who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it -- the Lord is His name: Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." (Jer. 33:2-3)
08/05
"For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it." (Hab. 1:5)
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18-19)
What's interesting is that i didn't hunt for these scriptures...they were from others, to me on these days. What really hits home, though, is where He has put me right now. My reflections in this week's study:
"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your Truth, we wait eagerly for You, for Your Name and Your renown are the desire of our souls." (Isa. 26:8)
i'm not sure exactly what He is doing, but more so now than ever, i know that he is working, moving, preparing me for something He wants me to partake in... The past few days have me almost giddy. Just in what i've been lead to in His word is enough...
08/03
"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?" (Isa. 43:19)
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Sam. 16:7)
08/04
"The Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him." (Lam. 3:25)
"This is what the Lord says, He who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it -- the Lord is His name: Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." (Jer. 33:2-3)
08/05
"For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it." (Hab. 1:5)
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Luke 4:18-19)
What's interesting is that i didn't hunt for these scriptures...they were from others, to me on these days. What really hits home, though, is where He has put me right now. My reflections in this week's study:
If you aren’t in the world, you can never have a positive impact on those who are of it. That is my goal…to be the catalyst in the world around me; bring about a change that can’t happen on it’s own; introduce people to a Savior they may never meet otherwise.
My prayer is simply:
Which leaves me here...not sure where we are headed, but expecting Him to do something that will glorify Him, that He may be seen by a lost and dying world.
“Therefore, walk in the power of the Truth, that the name of the Lord God may be glorified among you, His renown may be see in you and among you, and all the world may be astonished, and the Lord admired in the ordering of His people who are guided by His wisdom.” (1) Not for my glory, but for His Glory!
(1) George Fox: Walking in the Power of God
"Yes, Lord, walking in the way of Your Truth, we wait eagerly for You, for Your Name and Your renown are the desire of our souls." (Isa. 26:8)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
13 Years Ago...Part 3
**To see pics, check out my Facebook page, 13 Years Ago...
www.facebook.com/staceycyates
When I went to Augusta, they said everything looked like a go. I was a prime candidate. So I went home to prepare. 13 years ago today, I arrived in Augusta to begin the month that changed my life. I had a 24- hour EEG attached. They took me off of my meds to be able to "see" the seizures in action and see where they were originating and affecting. It was a long, hard process, but finally after 9 days, I had 2 good seizures, neuropsych testing, and other tests. Everything was a go for surgery. 10 days later, on July 21, I returned for surgery.
Unfortunately, there was a change in plans. I was not like a lot of epilepsy patients in that I was an honor student, had a career ahead, wasn't debilitated like many epileptics. They were concerned about affecting my short-term memory. So I had to go for Phase 2. To keep it short, it was very rough. They open up the skull, put grids down on your brain, drill holes through the skull to run wires through, then once you're out of surgery, the hook this box to your head to monitor the brain ever so closely. It was very painful, and worried my family, I could tell. I was worried at first, but God graciously reminded me that HE was in control. We then had to wait on seizures. The first was horrible. Not an epileptic seizure, but a withdrawal from medication seizure. Finally, after a good seizure, about a week into it, they had a good review for surgery.
On Thursday, July 31, I had surgery. In short, they removed the brain tissue (really scar tissue) that was causing seizures. It was such a God-thing. They told us later that it was a text-book case; that most epileptic patients weren't near the cognitive level I was at; that when they went in to remove scar tissue, they found some they didn't see before, and it was all gone. The day after, I was walking around the floor, talking to anything that would listen. On Saturday, my surgeon was on-call, and he commented that he had never seen a case like mine, and never seen someone recover so quickly from surgery. He just couldn't explain it. Again, God had a chance to shine when I was able to share with Him that I knew why...people all over the world (literally) had been praying for me, and God had healed me through the surgery! In fact, most recovery times were 7 days after the actual surgery. On Sunday, he said he would send me home early, but was concerned about me living 4 hours away. On Monday, he came in and said I was going home that day. The first to be sent home only 4 days after. Even when I went back to have stitches removed, they couldn't get over it.
God showed Himself to me as the Great Physician that summer! My life was forever changed! My EEG following surgery was clean (no seizure activity!). Brain activity resumed to normal, in fact it increased after surgery. There were some side-affects. I had to learn to study differently. My learning style is different now. If I get really tired, I can't think of thr right word, but can think of one that "sounds" like it. This was especially bad for the months following surgery. I would get so frustrated some times. And though I do not have seizures/seizure activity/epilepsy anymore, i have to take medicine. There are cases where, due to taking meds through adolescence, a "dependence" is developed. However, it serves as my "thorn in the flesh" to remind me of my summer of miracles, and of God's mighty healing power.
I know this has been a long few posts, but if you have gotten this far, I hope you'll read just a little further....
As I stated in part 1, I don't know how I would have made it through those 8 years on my own. It was only by His grace that I was able to continue. It still wasn't easy, don't misunderstand. In fact, there were times I didn't think I could keep pushing forward. I don't know how I could have done it if He weren't there to carry me through when I was too weak, too weary to persevere. If you don't have a personal relationship with Him, please don't wait another day. Life won't miraculously be perfect. But at least you know that He is with You...He will never leave You...He will never forsake You. I'd love to talk with you more about it if you're interested.
So for now, the journey continues...!
"Now to Him who is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His great power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
www.facebook.com/staceycyates
When I went to Augusta, they said everything looked like a go. I was a prime candidate. So I went home to prepare. 13 years ago today, I arrived in Augusta to begin the month that changed my life. I had a 24- hour EEG attached. They took me off of my meds to be able to "see" the seizures in action and see where they were originating and affecting. It was a long, hard process, but finally after 9 days, I had 2 good seizures, neuropsych testing, and other tests. Everything was a go for surgery. 10 days later, on July 21, I returned for surgery.
Unfortunately, there was a change in plans. I was not like a lot of epilepsy patients in that I was an honor student, had a career ahead, wasn't debilitated like many epileptics. They were concerned about affecting my short-term memory. So I had to go for Phase 2. To keep it short, it was very rough. They open up the skull, put grids down on your brain, drill holes through the skull to run wires through, then once you're out of surgery, the hook this box to your head to monitor the brain ever so closely. It was very painful, and worried my family, I could tell. I was worried at first, but God graciously reminded me that HE was in control. We then had to wait on seizures. The first was horrible. Not an epileptic seizure, but a withdrawal from medication seizure. Finally, after a good seizure, about a week into it, they had a good review for surgery.
On Thursday, July 31, I had surgery. In short, they removed the brain tissue (really scar tissue) that was causing seizures. It was such a God-thing. They told us later that it was a text-book case; that most epileptic patients weren't near the cognitive level I was at; that when they went in to remove scar tissue, they found some they didn't see before, and it was all gone. The day after, I was walking around the floor, talking to anything that would listen. On Saturday, my surgeon was on-call, and he commented that he had never seen a case like mine, and never seen someone recover so quickly from surgery. He just couldn't explain it. Again, God had a chance to shine when I was able to share with Him that I knew why...people all over the world (literally) had been praying for me, and God had healed me through the surgery! In fact, most recovery times were 7 days after the actual surgery. On Sunday, he said he would send me home early, but was concerned about me living 4 hours away. On Monday, he came in and said I was going home that day. The first to be sent home only 4 days after. Even when I went back to have stitches removed, they couldn't get over it.
God showed Himself to me as the Great Physician that summer! My life was forever changed! My EEG following surgery was clean (no seizure activity!). Brain activity resumed to normal, in fact it increased after surgery. There were some side-affects. I had to learn to study differently. My learning style is different now. If I get really tired, I can't think of thr right word, but can think of one that "sounds" like it. This was especially bad for the months following surgery. I would get so frustrated some times. And though I do not have seizures/seizure activity/epilepsy anymore, i have to take medicine. There are cases where, due to taking meds through adolescence, a "dependence" is developed. However, it serves as my "thorn in the flesh" to remind me of my summer of miracles, and of God's mighty healing power.
I know this has been a long few posts, but if you have gotten this far, I hope you'll read just a little further....
As I stated in part 1, I don't know how I would have made it through those 8 years on my own. It was only by His grace that I was able to continue. It still wasn't easy, don't misunderstand. In fact, there were times I didn't think I could keep pushing forward. I don't know how I could have done it if He weren't there to carry me through when I was too weak, too weary to persevere. If you don't have a personal relationship with Him, please don't wait another day. Life won't miraculously be perfect. But at least you know that He is with You...He will never leave You...He will never forsake You. I'd love to talk with you more about it if you're interested.
So for now, the journey continues...!
"Now to Him who is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His great power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
13 Years Ago..., Part 2
Over the break, I picked up a second job to make extra money. On my way to work on December 28th, I found myself sitting on the side of the road, my knees hurting so badly, didn't know where I was or what had happened. Come to find out, I had another seizure. God had His protection over me, however. It turns out I drove through a red-light in the turn lane in a usually busy intersection and ran into the car on the other turn lane. I totaled my car, the car I hit, and then hit an explorer. While this may not sound like a good thing, it really was. The intersection was near the high school, but since school was out, the traffic was especially light. In fact, no cars were coming through the green light. Also, I had not been in the turn lane, but it was empty, so I had managed to get over into the turn lane. Also, I was sitting on the side of the road. Though I totaled my car, I was able to walk away. I did have a broken collar bone from my seat belt, and had fluid in my knees, but that was it. The other car had some injuries, but only because they had not been buckled in. However, this began a difficult phase.
I no longer had any aura to warn me of an oncoming seizure, and they were random, not in triplets anymore. I now had taken all the medications available, so went back to the first one, and added a second. Even more meds. However, God continued to show Himself to me in new ways. While I was worried that he might run off like others had, Keith stuck around in spite of it all. He chauffeured me around a lot, too! Unlike before, I had seizures more sporadically. And now, I even had them during tests. God left His fingerprints on those tests as well. When I had a seizure, though they were only about 1 minute, it usually took about 20 minutes before I could think straight or talk sense. The first seizure during a test I lost about 20 minutes of time. My professors were aware of my seizures, so when I told him, my professor told me I could have a little more time at his office, but he only had 10 minutes before his next class. I took it, and when the test were returned, I had scored the highest grade in the class. The second incident was in a class of 2 students (engineering). We had unlimited time, so time wasn't an issue. The cool thing was that I scored 102 on the test (extra credit), but the only part I missed any points on was before the seizure. Everything was perfect afterwards. God used that to teach me that He could even take my test for me, if I did my part and trusted Him with the rest.
This round of seizures was more difficult. College schedules are crazy. I worked full-time every other quarter. I lived 20 minutes out of town. My family was very patient. I felt like such a burden sometimes, but they kept on anyway. I learned that God would sustain me when I knew I couldn't keep going. I knew He would redeem me when I couldn't. Then I learned something new about Him.
I had changed neurologists a little while after my accident. We had a new one in town, and when he met with us, he suggested that I was a prime candidate for a surgery that they did in Augusta. It was a big deal, though, and pretty expensive. At the time, I didn't want to lose the opportunities I had at school, so I continued on the medicine route. However, in 1997, things changed.
In June 1997, I finished up my last quarter as a co-op and engineering major. I had decided to do Math Education. With that change, along with no noticeable change in the seizure condition, and concerns about my life ahead, I decided to find out about the surgery route. That's where this adventure begins...!
(cont. on Part 3)
I no longer had any aura to warn me of an oncoming seizure, and they were random, not in triplets anymore. I now had taken all the medications available, so went back to the first one, and added a second. Even more meds. However, God continued to show Himself to me in new ways. While I was worried that he might run off like others had, Keith stuck around in spite of it all. He chauffeured me around a lot, too! Unlike before, I had seizures more sporadically. And now, I even had them during tests. God left His fingerprints on those tests as well. When I had a seizure, though they were only about 1 minute, it usually took about 20 minutes before I could think straight or talk sense. The first seizure during a test I lost about 20 minutes of time. My professors were aware of my seizures, so when I told him, my professor told me I could have a little more time at his office, but he only had 10 minutes before his next class. I took it, and when the test were returned, I had scored the highest grade in the class. The second incident was in a class of 2 students (engineering). We had unlimited time, so time wasn't an issue. The cool thing was that I scored 102 on the test (extra credit), but the only part I missed any points on was before the seizure. Everything was perfect afterwards. God used that to teach me that He could even take my test for me, if I did my part and trusted Him with the rest.
This round of seizures was more difficult. College schedules are crazy. I worked full-time every other quarter. I lived 20 minutes out of town. My family was very patient. I felt like such a burden sometimes, but they kept on anyway. I learned that God would sustain me when I knew I couldn't keep going. I knew He would redeem me when I couldn't. Then I learned something new about Him.
I had changed neurologists a little while after my accident. We had a new one in town, and when he met with us, he suggested that I was a prime candidate for a surgery that they did in Augusta. It was a big deal, though, and pretty expensive. At the time, I didn't want to lose the opportunities I had at school, so I continued on the medicine route. However, in 1997, things changed.
In June 1997, I finished up my last quarter as a co-op and engineering major. I had decided to do Math Education. With that change, along with no noticeable change in the seizure condition, and concerns about my life ahead, I decided to find out about the surgery route. That's where this adventure begins...!
(cont. on Part 3)
13 Years Ago..., Part 1
This week, I was thinking... I know, that usually isn't a good thing, but this time it was a good thing. 13 years ago today, my journey began. For over half of my life up to this point, I had epilepsy. It started on March 17, 1977, just before I turned 2. I suffered from fibril seizures, which are caused by a change in temperature. While anyone can have one if their fever drops or spikes too fast, I had them anytime I had a change in temperature. While I don't really remember having them, I know that they were convulsions, sometimes very bad, and especially difficult for my parents to have to observe. Thankfully, I did outgrow them and was off of the medication by the time I was in the 3rd grade. For the next 5 years, I had lived a pretty normal life, but one day in the 8th grade, everything changed.
During my Algebra 1 fall final, I had a seizure. This time, though, it wasn't a fibril seizure, and it wasn't convulsive. In fact, had my teacher not experienced it before, I may have not known what happened. This began my partial-complex seizures. I would feel a little weird, and then black out. I wasn't sure how long I was blacked out, but everything seemed like one of the nightmares where you here all the sounds inside a tunnel, but can't see anything or understand it. Turns out I was usually only out for 30-60 seconds, but when I would come back to my senses, I couldn't think straight, my speech didn't make sense, and I was absolutely exhausted. After a seizure, I would have to go home and go to bed, and would sleep for several hours. My memory was cloudy for a little while after as well. The seizures usually happened in 3s. So once one came, almost every time, 2 more would follow. While they weren't as bad as convulsions, junior high students are not always understanding, and it was common to have people make fun of the seizure I had at school. If that weren't enough, I realized that I had to change my career choice. I wanted to go into the Air Force after school, and eventually work at NASA. However, as I quickly learned as a junior in high school, all you have to do is mention the "e"-word and the military will drop their calls like a hot potato. We figured out over time that they were usually stress/lack of sleep induced. Seeing I was an honor/A student, this didn't help matters very much. I had a lot of changes to adjust to.
One good thing that came of all of this "new life" was that I realized that I really did need NEW life. While I had been dunked at 6 years old, I realized that I really didn't have a relationship with Jesus Christ. At 14, I accepted him as my Savior and Lord. I don't know how I would have gotten through the next 8 years without Him. As time progressed, I learned how to cope with epilepsy without letting it completely rule my life. Because they were stress induced, they tended to come near tests/projects. After the first seizure, I struggled with taking math tests for a while. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I learned how to trust God with every situation; even a test. For the next 4 years, I never had a seizure during a test again. Maybe before, or right after, but never during. Also, while I never had a "504" my teachers were very understanding and didn't treat me any differently.
Over time, it seemed to be harder and harder to control the seizures. At one point I was taking 1800 mg a day of medicine, and felt like a zombie. I remember one morning when I accidentally took all 1800 mg before school, instead of only 900. I couldn't see straight, and didn't even remember getting to my house before I crashed. Unfortunately, due to the medicine levels and to the seizure disorder itself, I don't remember a lot of things from growing up. Sometimes, I'll have a flashback on something, and it's like a gift to be able to remember good things! But thankfully, that's almost always what they are...good things. I consider it a gift from God that the epilepsy got rid of many of the bad things from my memories!
During this time, my family moved to Valdosta, GA. I had to find a new neurologist, and he tried me on some new medicine. It worked well, and actually didn't make me feel tired at all. In fact, it had quite the opposite affect. It was so nice to not feel drugged all the time, to be able to think straight. My senior year was uneventful almost no seizures...in fact, none in the last 3 quarters. For once, I had to think about learning to drive, and it made me nervous (not as nervous as my dad, who would always read!). Just after I started my freshman year of college, I was able to get my driver's license. Things were looking up. I had decided to be an engineering major, had my education paid for, and got a car! I also met Keith.
*funny side note...i was notorious for saying "never"...you know, I'll never do this, I'll never do that...
I'll never live in GA...i can't stand the corn...(i ended up in GA with corn growing outside my bedroom window...!) however the only never that paid off was when they told us at freshmen orientation: "You never know, you may meet the person you are going to marry in your first class." My mom nudged me, and I said, "Yeah, right." meaning...never! However, I did! While we dated for 5 1/2 years before getting married, it has been a blessing! The best "never" ever! :)
It was so nice to be able to drive myself around for a change. I had always felt like a bother to my family, because they always had to take me places, wait on me to finish, if I was sick they had to get me home, take me to the doctor a lot, and go through all the seizure mess. It was nice to have a little independence as well. I felt like I was beginning to have some normalcy in life again. But on Christmas break, that all changed...
(cont. on part 2)
During my Algebra 1 fall final, I had a seizure. This time, though, it wasn't a fibril seizure, and it wasn't convulsive. In fact, had my teacher not experienced it before, I may have not known what happened. This began my partial-complex seizures. I would feel a little weird, and then black out. I wasn't sure how long I was blacked out, but everything seemed like one of the nightmares where you here all the sounds inside a tunnel, but can't see anything or understand it. Turns out I was usually only out for 30-60 seconds, but when I would come back to my senses, I couldn't think straight, my speech didn't make sense, and I was absolutely exhausted. After a seizure, I would have to go home and go to bed, and would sleep for several hours. My memory was cloudy for a little while after as well. The seizures usually happened in 3s. So once one came, almost every time, 2 more would follow. While they weren't as bad as convulsions, junior high students are not always understanding, and it was common to have people make fun of the seizure I had at school. If that weren't enough, I realized that I had to change my career choice. I wanted to go into the Air Force after school, and eventually work at NASA. However, as I quickly learned as a junior in high school, all you have to do is mention the "e"-word and the military will drop their calls like a hot potato. We figured out over time that they were usually stress/lack of sleep induced. Seeing I was an honor/A student, this didn't help matters very much. I had a lot of changes to adjust to.
One good thing that came of all of this "new life" was that I realized that I really did need NEW life. While I had been dunked at 6 years old, I realized that I really didn't have a relationship with Jesus Christ. At 14, I accepted him as my Savior and Lord. I don't know how I would have gotten through the next 8 years without Him. As time progressed, I learned how to cope with epilepsy without letting it completely rule my life. Because they were stress induced, they tended to come near tests/projects. After the first seizure, I struggled with taking math tests for a while. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I learned how to trust God with every situation; even a test. For the next 4 years, I never had a seizure during a test again. Maybe before, or right after, but never during. Also, while I never had a "504" my teachers were very understanding and didn't treat me any differently.
Over time, it seemed to be harder and harder to control the seizures. At one point I was taking 1800 mg a day of medicine, and felt like a zombie. I remember one morning when I accidentally took all 1800 mg before school, instead of only 900. I couldn't see straight, and didn't even remember getting to my house before I crashed. Unfortunately, due to the medicine levels and to the seizure disorder itself, I don't remember a lot of things from growing up. Sometimes, I'll have a flashback on something, and it's like a gift to be able to remember good things! But thankfully, that's almost always what they are...good things. I consider it a gift from God that the epilepsy got rid of many of the bad things from my memories!
During this time, my family moved to Valdosta, GA. I had to find a new neurologist, and he tried me on some new medicine. It worked well, and actually didn't make me feel tired at all. In fact, it had quite the opposite affect. It was so nice to not feel drugged all the time, to be able to think straight. My senior year was uneventful almost no seizures...in fact, none in the last 3 quarters. For once, I had to think about learning to drive, and it made me nervous (not as nervous as my dad, who would always read!). Just after I started my freshman year of college, I was able to get my driver's license. Things were looking up. I had decided to be an engineering major, had my education paid for, and got a car! I also met Keith.
*funny side note...i was notorious for saying "never"...you know, I'll never do this, I'll never do that...
I'll never live in GA...i can't stand the corn...(i ended up in GA with corn growing outside my bedroom window...!) however the only never that paid off was when they told us at freshmen orientation: "You never know, you may meet the person you are going to marry in your first class." My mom nudged me, and I said, "Yeah, right." meaning...never! However, I did! While we dated for 5 1/2 years before getting married, it has been a blessing! The best "never" ever! :)
It was so nice to be able to drive myself around for a change. I had always felt like a bother to my family, because they always had to take me places, wait on me to finish, if I was sick they had to get me home, take me to the doctor a lot, and go through all the seizure mess. It was nice to have a little independence as well. I felt like I was beginning to have some normalcy in life again. But on Christmas break, that all changed...
(cont. on part 2)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
hues of brilliant colors...
not sure what You're doing, God. but i don't want to miss it. feeling the anticipation of something, but no idea what it is. Lots of challenges...some that i really want nothing to do with, but don't have a choice. some "challenges" are enticing...drawing me in...not sure why they matter, or what point they have, but somehow that makes them even more attractive. got a vision today of something. haven't seen anything in ages. feel intoxicated by it. how do all of these pieces fit together? had come to the conclusion that all was lost, that i'd really just been out of my mind, that "this" was it, and at the same time nothing at all. life was just dull, colorless, 2-dimensional. suddenly seeing glimpses of color, hues of things to come. but again, no idea what... no expectations like before... no clue... guess i'm jumping on for the ride...looking for the ride of my life...
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