The Fairy Tale...

“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.” CharlesKingsley, Alice’s Father, Alice in Wonderland.


Ever feel like you have popped out of a fairy tale somewhere? I have never been one to be a princess. Never my dream…never felt like I really fit into that princess mentality. But I’ve always felt like I can relate to Alice. Especially on the latest release, as Alice is older and returns to Underland.

Alice seemed to have a special bond with her father, much like I did. It was as though we could communicate without ever saying a word. We thought alike. I think we dreamed alike. I wish I had been able to talk him more about it, but I didn’t know at the time. So here I am now, trying to understand it all.  I feel like as she said, "Nothing ever stopped him.  And I'm his daughter."  (but why do i feel like something is stopping me?)

Seems like she never sleeps well, much like me. In fact, she states it later in the movie. Alice dreams of strange places…for her, it’s “wonderland” or Underland, as she later learns. As she talks to her father about it:

“So you think I’ve gone rather mad?” “I’m afraid so. All mad, bonkers, off your head. But I’ll tell you a secret; all the best people are. It’s only a dream Alice. Nothing can harm you there, but if you get too frightened, you can always wake up.” I’ve heard that same thing from my Heavenly Father…nothing can hurt you…you’re struggle is not against flesh and blood…

As she grows up, she didn’t want to follow the normal expectations and paths that were set before her. She was viewed by others as rather “different.” It seemed as though no one really listened to her, they simply tried to give her typical, common sense advice. She was not a typical girl. She was unique in her own ways. For instance, she “saw” things others didn’t. Following them took her somewhere they would never believe.

She is sought after by the people of Underland, yet doesn’t remember any of it. When asked “Is she the right Alice?” the Blue Caterpillar replies, “Not hardly.” She is frustrated because “from the moment I fell down that rabbit hole, I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not being Alice, but this is my dream, and I’ll decide where it goes from here.” ”If you diverge from the path…” “I make the path.”

How much I feel that way in my own life. Even more so, when talking with the Mad Hatter, he says, “You’re not the same as you were before. You used to be much more…’muchier’. You’ve lost your muchness.” Alice replies, “My muchness?” And the Hatter says “In there (pointing to her heart). Something’s missing.”

So my question is, how have I lost my muchness? What’s missing? What happened? I had such a dream, such a vision, such passion to follow what I believed was God’s leading.” Yet, I feel so much like Alice, where most of the people around me think I’m a little out of my wits. Most don’t understand. I cling to the fact that the only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible. Yet, when I try to achieve it, I get that “NO” in my spirit to my intention. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to sit here and twiddle my thumbs, doing what appears to be nothing…just waiting on You to show up? I know that my situations in the past have contributed to the loss of my muchness. I’m not sure as to how those things happened, or why, or what I should have done differently. I long to have my muchness back. Yet I feel like I am taken further and further away from muchness and more and more to obscurity.

Alice sees the truth in others, often as I feel I can sense the truth in situations. While I know that this is a fairy tale, I see my life in it so much. Alice ends up standing up for the truth, for what is right, championing for the good and for the truth. Finding that her “lunacy” was not lunacy at all, but the only truth in the whole crazy world she lived in. A world where she struggled for what was proper vs. what was her purpose.

I am there. I can’t just do the “proper” thing anymore. I have to find that “rabbit” that I continue to see glimpses of, yet lose as I start to follow. I feel like I have been here before; like I knew what the purpose was, yet I can’t seem to find it now. It’s not there…why can’t I remember? How do I find my muchness? I know what makes my heart sing. How do I get there? How much longer do I have to be in this Underland?

I long to conquer that “jabberwocky” that has held me captive for far too long. Hasn’t it been long enough? Take me back to that place where I know I am in Your will, living from the center of who I was designed to be.  I long to hear..."At last..."

a beautiful mess?

i don't know where i'm going, but i know where i don't want to be.  lately, life has seemed so confusing. so crazy. so messy.  the more i try to seek Him, the more fog seems to settle around me.  i'm not sure anymore where i'm heading, or what i even want to do.  i only know what i don't want to do, and who i don't want to be.  it seems that so much around us is "fake".  it's all about impressions, possessions, and professions.  but none of that is real.  none of it matters in the big scheme of things.  i'm tired of  trying to play the game, check off my list, follow all the rules, stick to the board game.  all it's gotten me is lost in the scheme of things.  i know i don't want to be where i'm at right now.  i don't want to stay in this world of the joneses.  i don't want to win one's approval.  i don't want a title or a prize.  i don't want to be a judge of others; for what i judge in them is what i'm full of.  i don't want to save the world; for i'll only lose my soul.  i don't want to have it all; for i'll lose my sanity.  i don't want to play by the rules or color in the lines any more.  it's not who i am.  and trying to "fit in" has nearly driven me out of my mind.  i'm tired of trying to find the path i'm supposed to be on, or even the road i'm supposed to carve myself.  i feel like it's got me stuck in the middle of a field of thorns, and i can't find my way out to capture that "flag" i've been searching for.  i've always believed that i was meant to live for something so much more, yet i'm beginning to wonder if this is it...?  was i looking to hard? was i dreaming too much?  it's as thought there's that "one thing" that i desire to do...yet what is that?  i just want to know that i am fulfilling His will.  sure doesn't feel that way right now.  i try to scream, but nothing comes out.  break these chains that hold me down.  let me swim to the surface so i can but breathe.  if i'm to be invisible, let me at least feel Your presence.  answer me... 

"He will be like a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver.  Then they will present offerings to the Lord in righteousness." (Mal. 3:3)

"Therefore, this is what the Lord of Hosts says: I am about to refine them and test them, for what else can I do because of My dear people?" (Jer. 9:7)

"I will put this third through the fire; I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested.  They will call on My name, and I will answer them.  I will say: They are my people, and they will say: The Lord is our God." (Zech. 13:9)