Homesick...

Tonight, I was listening to Christmas music, and thinking of the wonderful Christmas season. I remembered the snow and beautiful trees in Nevada, and feel so homesick. I love so much about it. I know that God moved us back here, but sometimes I wish it didn't hurt so much. It feels like a piece of me is missing. It seems that I can't quite find a spot here to fit... I hope one day that I may understand His plans... I guess this is what we as Christians are to feel being here on this earth. While it is where we live right now, it isn't home; it isn't where our hearts are. Fortunately for us, it isn't where we will stay, for we will return "home" one day. Unfortunately for my time here on earth, I don't know if I'll ever be able to return home...

Christmas Time is Here...!

So, Christmas is quickly approaching, and the closer it gets, the more I can identify with Charlie Brown. I love Christmas and the Spirit it brings, and I love to celebrate the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I love the precedent set for us by the Wise Men when they worshiped the King. I love thinking about the shepherds and how excited they must have been and how humbled they must have felt to be lowly shepherds, yet received the first announcement of the birth of the King.

Then I look at this crazy world we live in. All of the stores advertise all of the things that people "want" and how everything is "on sale" and find the "perfect gifts." It can be very frustrating sometimes. I am finally seeing more of what God did in our lives as we lived in Reno for almost 9 years. He completely took my perspectives on everything, and like a snow globe, He shook it up. Then when everything settled, my life was never the same. It almost disgusts me to think how much people want and how it seems that the more we get, the more we have to have. While we may say it, the saying "It's the thought that counts" is no longer a true statement. I almost hate shopping for Christmas gifts because what do you buy someone who has everything? And if it's not good enough, what will they say, either to me, or even worse, behind my back. And all the commercialization. It was sad that Christmas pushed the Turkey out of the spotlight this Thanksgiving!!

Please don't misunderstand...I absolutely love Christmas! I just am learning (again) that it's not about getting (the right thing), it's about giving of myself to the ones I love most, and even to those I may not know at all. It's not about keeping up, or getting ahead of, the Joneses, who by the way, probably got in debt up to their eyeballs trying to outdo the Smiths...! It's about reciprocating the best gift of all...the original gift on Christmas day...the love of God. Our response ought to be like that of the Wise Men, to worship Him, and then to lead others to Him through the lives we live...!

Merry CHRISTmas to all, and to all a good night!

Not Against Flesh and Blood

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:10-12)

The last few weeks have been so crazy. I have struggled, not just the past few weeks, but even for the past few years. I didn't put it all together until the past week or two. Yesterday morning, I felt like I was absolutely losing my mind. While I was having my quiet time, as clear as day I heard Eph. 6:12, but applied to me..."Your struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." It made sense. I have had problems before, and when I went to the doctor, they did lab test (several rounds) and came to the conclusion that nothing was wrong with me. (I think my doctor thought I was a hypochondriac!) I would have thought I had lost my mind, but when my church family prayed for me, things got better...! It was then that I began to understand the depth of the spiritual battle that we face. This round of the battle has seemed worse. To the point that I have nightmares and wierd dreams most nights and anxiety issues. It got to the point that I felt like I was going crazy. I went to the doctor once again, and was given medicine. First to sleep and later to help with anxiety. However, it appears that both are causing adverse reactions. One is causing me to shake and lose my appetite (which isn't a regular side affect) and the other is causing me to not remember things and be a zombie, as well and both causing more anxiety. There are other things that can be tried, but as I was praying yesterday, that verse came to mind.

This leaves quite a challenge...I had to quit taking one of the medications because it was having bad side affects. The other is my call whether to take or not. Last night I didn't take the optional one. I didn't sleep much, and I had nightmares and anxious dreams. However, I felt like I was in my right mind today. In the middle of the night, I remembered reading what a friend had written about her journey recently, and knew I needed to be sure I was ready for battle. The nightmares stopped, and I slept a little better, but the dreams were still very anxious. I guess I know the answer in my head, I just have to accept it in my heart...I know that there's nothing the doctor can do. Just like last time, there isn't anything that they will find wrong with me. And probably like last time, medicine won't work either. This stuff is worse because instead of not just working, it's weirding me out. The difficult part is to continue pushing through. I'm not sure how much more I can do. There have been a few times that I even was ready to just give up all together. But I know that somehow, He has to pull me through. It's His name that's at stake. There's something that He's preparing me for in serving Him, I just don't know what in this world it is.

So until then, I have to keep pushing through each day. I know that the victory has already been claimed, I just need to finish the battle. Somehow, it will prepare me for other things, and it will definitely draw me closer to Him. I have to claim His victory, and remember that fear and worry are not of Him. When I give in, I have lost the battle. Each day is a challenge, but I know He has to show up each night... I guess that's all I have for now...I'd love to have the end of it, but unfortunately, I don't know when this part of my journey in life will be complete. So, until next time...

My time in the Desert

Wow! Where to begin?

For the last several years, almost 7 years, I have been in a "desert" experience in my life. Oddly enough, I lived in the Sierra High Desert for most of it. While I knew God was with me, and I knew it was a learning journey, and I knew that God wouldn't leave me there, it was a very difficult time. It wasn't as though life was horrible. I was able to have good times, I was able to serve, I was able to have times of joy and fulfillment, but I also had many times of frustration, seeking to understand, and the more I tried, the less I understood. I knew that God had called me to something, but there was no clarity, no forward movement, and often times, it seemed no response. It felt as though God was silent. As much as music was one of my primary means of talking with God, I couldn't write anything for almost 2 years. It was very difficult, and heartbreaking. Maybe the hardest part in this journey has been our journey back here. Having moved many times in my life, I have never felt such a longingfor something there in Reno, like there is a piece of me that is missing. Yet God instructed us to "GO", so we obeyed.

That brings me to now. Part of my journey through this desert experience has been my discontent in my occupation. Please don't get me wrong...it is a noble career, with a huge ministry, but in the past 6 plus years, I have grown more and more discontent. The more I seek to be passionate about it, to be positive about it, the harder it has become. And yet, God continued to say, "This is where I have you, this is where you'll stay." That is until now...

Tuesday, was definitely a crazy day, but it seemed amid all the chaos and craziness that was going on around me, I heard so clearly, more clearly than I have heard in a long time, "You have completed your time on this part of your journey. You don't have to continue this anymore." It was such a freeing experience. While I have absolutely no idea how we will be able to make end meet or what I am supposed to do next, I am faithful that He knows and will guide each step I know it seems rather crazy, but I know that God has something in store. While he called me to ministry almost 12 years ago, and didn't really clarify what "ministry" that was until 5 years ago, and has continued to change my perception of it since then, I know that this is His timing. I am not sure where I am going, or what I am actually going to "do". I do know that in my time in the desert, He has really opened my mind and my heart to some hugely different perspectives.

God is not confined to a church building, a Sunday School class, a Wednesday night service or even a particular denomination. He isn't this God that is distant and doesn't care about anyone or anything. In fact, He's much like the example we saw in our Savior, Jesus...eating with tax collectors and sinners. Speaking to the prostitues and the beggars. Healing those who most would never touch, much less speak to. Doing His work on the Sabbath, of all things! And yet the world was turned upside-down. Today, it's not about the separation of church and state, it's simply about Christ living in us, reaching through us in every single aspect of our lives to touch the people that the world sees as worthless. To give hope to those who can't see it anymore. To love with His unfailing, incomparably marvelous love. To be His hands, feet and heart to this lost and dying world.

Over the past few months, I have slowly been able to start writing again. It has been such a release! The first song to come of it, "Set Me Free" was really my heart cry to get through this desert time. The second (words) was completed today. It comes from the passage Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..." The context of this is that as he refines the silver, He watches it ever so closely, for one moment too long would destroy. The result is that when it is refined, pure, He can look at it and see His image.

It is my prayer as He uses me to reach people and to change lives, in whatever avenues He brings my way (all for HIS glory!).

Refine me
Burn away my impurities
Purify me
Wash away all the stains
Restore me
Bring me closer to You
As the fire consumes me
Make me clean

I feel the pressure rising
There is no end in sight
The more I seek protection
The more I have to fight
It seems that there’s no rhyme or reason
To all that I am going through

The more I seek solutions
The less I understand
I strain to hear Your voice
Yet I can’t see Your hand
I want to give up fighting, throw in the towel
And let the fire consume me

Yet I hear a voice inside me crying out
Set me free from all that captures me
Make me clean…

I feel Your warmth around me
Although I cannot see
And though I walk through valleys
I know you carry me
You are the silver lining around this
Cloud that covers me

Refine me
Burn away my impurities
Purify me
Wash away all the stains
Restore me
Bring me closer to You
As the fire consumes me
Make me clean

A Standard Worth Striving For

"Holy is the way God is. To be holy He does not conform to a standard. He is that standard." ~A.W. Tozer

In Psalm 51, David confesses his sin to God. He knew that he was so sinful and nothing in all of God's perfect holiness. As I read his confession, my own sin came to my mind. He was guilty of murder and adultery. I am guilty of comlacency. I love to worship God, through music especially. And Sunday has always been one of my favorite days as we come together to honor Him. But I am complacent in that every day I should be just as excited to get up and to honor Him. Every day at work, every mundaine task, every traffic jam, every load of laundry, every action and every word should be an opportunity for me to honor God for who He is and all He is worth. A wise worship leader once said that my best worship on Sunday isn't what's done up on stage, but what's done before service, before church, when no one else is around, in service to God through my life.

So where does that leave me? It reminds me of Isaiah, in the presence of God. I am a person of unclean lips. I am not worthy of being in His Presence, but His grace is so much greater... He seems so much more of all I can even begin to imagine when I compare His holiness to my humaness. So often I sing of what God has done for me, or what He means to me, but I am guilty of putting Him in my little box, and this is as much of Him as I need right now... But He's so much more than my little box can hold. One day all that any of us will be able to do is to praise Him for who He is in Himself. I don't want to wait until that day. I don't want complacency to hinder my offering of worship to Him. I want to become more like Him. I want to honor Him in everything I do, for all He's worth.

Set Me Free

Why am I here? Have you ever asked that question? I have a lot lately. Not necessarily to life itself, but at this stage in my life. After being out of college for 9 years, I find myself back where I started, and not knowing what's next. If it weren't for the times I have seen God work before, I would think for sure that there must be no way out; that this is all my life will be. And that's not enough. Don't get me wrong. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a great church family, a nice home, a job that pays the bills, but there is something inside of me that is screaming to get out....knowing that there must be something more.... Each day seems to become more and more of a chore. The harder I try to change it, the harder it seems to get. Yet the voice inside me screams more. I am tired of fighting. The more I fight for that dream, that desire, I feel like the toddler first learning to walk. Just as I get close, it gets moved back more. And yet, when I try to quit, I can't. I yearn to be free, but it seems that there are invisible shackles holding me down. My heart cries out:

Set me free - from these chains that hold me down
Set me free - from these fears that have me bound
I am dying in this life that seems to hold me captive now
But I know there must be more; Set me free....

While everything around me seems to scream "Give it up, there's no way!" I can't keep going like things are. I just want to be free...