Worth It All

Worth it All (Rita Springer)

I don't understand Your ways,

Oh but I will give You my song,

Give You all of my praise.

You hold on to all my pain.

And with it You are pulling me closer,

Pulling me into Your ways.

Now around every corner

And up every mountain,

I'm not looking for crowns,

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperately seeking

I'm frantic believing

That the sight of Your face

It's all that I need, I will say to You...

It's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it

It's gonna be worth it all.  I believe this.

It's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it,

It's gonna be worth it all.

You're gonna be worth it, You're gonna be worth it,

You're gonna be worth it all, I believe this.

You're gonna be worth it, You're gonna be worth it,

You're gonna be worth it all.

This is a song that I really need right now.  I feel like everything is chaos right now.  I don't understand anything, I'm afraid, I feel lost and alone much of the time.  But the one thing I have to cling to is that glimpse of what God has in store for my life.  I don't have any idea how it will ever be, and I feel I am farther from it now that I have ever been, but I have to claim it.  Life is very difficult right now.  I feel like my heart is broken for things that I have no control over.  There are things ahead that I don't completely understand, and as a result, it tends to frighten me.  But I have to remember His promises given to me several years ago.  Even though I often think He has forgotten those promises, He continues to remind me of them in little, unspoken, indirect ways.  Somehow, somewhere, someday...it's gonna be worth it.  All of it...

None But Jesus...

You know the saying...Life is hard, but God is good. Pretty cliche, but very true. I have struggled a lot lately. Some days, I just wish I could stay in bed. It seemed to reach a head this week. Life is a journey, and not always fun. We have to go through the dark, lonely valley so that we can get to the mountain. What we often forget is that the reason the valley is dark is because it is in the shadow of the mountain. Seems like it's that way on the journey. On our way to the mountian top experiences, we are in the shadow, being refined, perfected, strengthened for the climb.




It seems that on my journey the past few years, I have been in the valley more than on the mountain top. It's hard to stay focused. It is easy to get lost in all the brush, not able to see the mountain top through the trees around you. Feeling the coldness of the shadow. Calling out and hearing only the echo of your voice in the vast, empty space around you. Knowing someone must be out there, feeling like someone is watching you, following you, but not being able to see them, or touch them, but almost as though you can feel the breath behind you.


This song has meant a lot to me this week. It has to be my theme song when I am trekking through the valleys. It has to be my theme song even on the mountain top. If it isn't my reason for doing anything, whether it is my passion or just my job, I am on the wrong road.


I am especially fond of the second verse this week:

In the chaos, in confusion, I know You're sovreign still
In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will
When You call, I won't delay
This my song through all my days


There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

So for now, I journey through the adventure of life, still in the Mountain's shadow, but grateful to know that He is sovreign, even when I don't see Him.  Though the path seems lonely, it should...for there is None but Jesus...

A long time coming...

It's been a long time since I've posted, but I'm still here!  I didn't fall of the face of the earth!

The past 6 months have been a crazy ride!  Thankfully, we finished our house, and it's so nice.  God is SO good!  I am teaching at a new school where my team prays together each week!  God is SO amazing!  He has challenged/reminded me of His call on my life.  The last few years have been very challenging - both in ministry and just life in general.  Thankfully, God is faithful, even when I am not.  And God is good, always!  I am finishing up a study on spiritual warfare in my personal study time.  I am reminded that the battle is fierce.  I am encouraged that I am not alone in this fight, and especially that I am not losing my mind!  I am also reminded that the enemy attacks only when we are a threat to him, and that God has called me to serve Him.

A verse he gave to me a while back was from Esther 4:14.  In this passage, Mordecai tells Esther, “for if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”  Now, I believe that he has the same call for Christians.  I don't want to spend this life here just doing "stuff", having no lasting affect on those around me.  I want to be a change agent.  I want people to know that there is something far more reaching than this life on earth.  It is tough, it does stink many days.  I know.  I remember praying that He would help me to see people as He sees them.  The result was not what I expected, but has definitely changed my life.  During this time, I have had a glimpse of the struggles people go through.  It has been so tough, and at times, it didn't seem like God was even there at all.  Sometimes, the only thing I had to hang on to was what God had done for me before, who He had shown Himself to be before, and who His Word says He is.  While I still don't understand everything, and may never understand it all, I know God more intimately.  I understand another aspect of His character as a holy, sovreign God. 

For once, I don't fear what is to come.  There is great peace in that.  I know that my Father knows best.  That He has created me in His image do to His work.  That He loves me with an everlasting love.  That there is something that I am created to be.  I see a glimpse of it.  And for now, I keep traveling through this journey called life...waiting to see where He leads me next...

God is like Pi (π)…

Today is Pi Day. For those of you who don’t know what that is, or even what the point of it is, let me explain. Today, March 14th, also known as 3/14, is Pi Day, simply because of the numbers 3.14 the equivalent value for Pi. It is also Albert Einstein’s birthday. Pi Day is observed by math junkies everywhere because of the importance of Pi in life all around us. I have celebrated in the festivities for several years now. So, in observance of Pi Day…

One day some friendsand I were talking about how difficult it can be for an unbeliever to understand how, with all that happens in this life, there could be a God that loves us. After all, if he loved us, why would he allow for such things to happen as sickness, famine, natural disasters, murder, and trouble with the economy, to name a few. We talked about how, just as with Job, we can do all the right things for all the right reasons, and still there are times that we have to go through very difficult, trying and sorrowful times. We were talking about how God’s ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. After our discussion, I continued to chew on those thoughts, and being the math geek that I am, I began to realize how much God is like Pi!

For those of you who aren’t very familiar with Pi, or π, it is a wonderful number! π ≈ 3.14159265359… or 3.14 as we learn in school. Perhaps the most elementary uses of π are in the area and circumference of circles. While it is used in math classes everywhere, it is not a new discovery. Pi was discovered as many as 4000 years ago. Many different civilizations were intrigued with the number that would later (in the 1700s) become known as π. For centuries, men have been intrigued with it, to the point of obsession. Over 1 trillion digits have been computed, but still the number continues! So here’s a math lesson for you!

Pi is one of the most famous of irrational numbers. We call it irrational because it cannot be written as a fraction. Now in human terms, rational is what “makes sense” based on facts, expectations or logic. So irrational is what cannot be explained by reason or understanding. That is exactly like God. Because His ways are not our ways, we cannot logically understand His plan or His motives. To us, He often appears to be very irrational, but we must remember: “’For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord; ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.’” When a number is irrational, it never repeats and never ends. Just like God. He was and is and is to come…!

Pi is also transcendental. I know that sounds sort of “new age”, but remember, we’re talking math here! A transcendental number is a number to which “no finite sequence of algebraic operations on integers (powers, roots, sums, etc.) can be equal to its value (thank you wikipedia!).” That is how God is! No matter how hard we try, no thing, no person, no idea, no religion, no power, no force, nothing in all of creation, can be equal to His value! He is God, all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present. He has no roots! Just as men have been intrigued with Pi and trying to understand it, so is mankind intrigued with discovering the “higher power” or “force” or “being” that is God!

Pi is at work in everything around us, from nature to art to architecture to statistics to geometry and beyond. So is its Creator! It isn’t by chance that everything works together in patterns and sequences. God is a God of order, though we don’t always understand it at the time. He seeks to involve us in His work. He wants to take us to another level; to broaden our perspective; to increase our knowledge of Him; for us to be obsessed with Him. Many people give their lives to the work of Pi, but we have the opportunity to give our lives to the ultimate irrational, transcendental, “constant” of all times… Life spent with Him is much more fulfilling than that of a silly old number!

Failure is an option...

Sometimes, life is hard. Okay...lots of times, life is hard. The hardest times, however are those times when you have to learn those lessons. You know, the ones that you can't seem to learn the first, second or even third time? It seems the more you try to figure things out, the more of a mess you get yourself into... Then you realize that the lesson you needed to learn really wasn't a hard lesson. In fact, it's likely one that you had to learn back in elementary school. Or, like most students, you were supposed to have learned it in elementary school, but unfortunately the lesson didn't stick. So once again, here it is!

I have discovered a lesson that I have needed much remedial work on. It is that I am not perfect, will never be perfect and in trying to be perfect, I have only made myself even more imperfect.

It doesn't seem like a hard lesson. I always tell people that it's okay if you don't get everything right; what matters most is that you learned in the process. But so many times, I don't carry that out. Sometimes, it frustrates me that we live in such a civilized, well-educated place. Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for all of the opportunities and provisions that I have been given. However, I have seen in my life, and in the lives of people all around me, that as a result, we have to always keep striving for more and more, and if you don't reach 100%, it's not good enough. How many times have I told myself, "It's not good enough" or even worse, "I'm not good enough?" Where has it gotten me?

I am reminded of a passage that has always been near to my heart, but today, I see it in a little different light. In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul writes:

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these
surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a
messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take
it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for
Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am
strong.

In our quest for perfection, we become independent of the one thing upon which our lives rest. The one thing that we cannot live without. The one thing that frees us from every chain that binds us. In our own independence, we "lose" the Grace of God. Now, don't misunderstand me. We don't really lose it, but on our own, we decide that it isn't enough, that we can make it on our own, that we have enough gumption on our own to get where we need to be; in effect we lose (or misplace) what was given to us when we were but children in Christ.

How much more I can identify with the prodigal son as I think about this... He was one who thought he could make it on his own, and didn't need Dad's help. He could pull it off, just give him the opportunity. And it seems like our world doesn't make it any easier. To admit that you have made a mistake is viewed as failure. Yet, in our inability to admit, we have failed even more. Some of the most revered people in our history failed miserably, yet in their failure, they were able to acheive true success. Moses failed as the Prince of Egypt, only to deliver the very people he ruled over from bondage. David failed in his marriage purity, committed murder and even lied, yet he was "a man after God's own heart." Peter denied Jesus three times, after saying he would never do such a thing, but would die for Christ; he became a rock that Christ could build His church on, spreading the gospel to many, and did in fact die on a cross for Christ's sake. Paul persecuted Christians for the "good of the church", but at His encounter with the Lord, he changed the world for Christ as well. And there are so many more...

Those are the people in whose steps I want to follow. I want to be a "little Christ". I want to be one that can change my world with the life that I live, and not have to worry about being perfect, or living up to some "standard", spoken or unspoken. Let's face it...I am completely human. Surprised? That means I am bound to make mistakes and, sometimes, screw up royally! I have to be okay with that, because it is during those times that I can look up to the Father, allow Him to help me up, dust off my knees, doctor my wounds, and help me to be stronger and more like who He wants me to be through the lesson(s) learned

So from now on...

My name is Stacey, and I'm a failure...

(but I am growing to be more like Him!)

Randomness in My Random Thoughts!

This has been going around a lot, and I've been tagged several times, and read many more, so I thought I'd finally sit down and do it. For grins and giggles. Here are my 25 Random Things. So maybe you know all about me. Or maybe you'll find something new. Or maybe you'll just comfirm your thoughts that I'm just a little strange. Whatever it may be, here goes...

1. I am a math geek. Sadly, everything I see or remember has some kind of mathematical pattern to it. Even music has mathematical rhythm.

2. I love my ’67 VW beetle.

3. My favorite color is black (no, I’m not goth!).

4. One of my favorite memories is playing 80’s rock music in church! (My alter ego is Roxette!)

5. I hope to one day know what I want to be when I grow up.

6. My favorite city is San Francisco. I love that you can be who you really are there, and no one thinks any worse of you.

7. I love writing, playing and singing music. If only that were life…!

8. I have never felt like I really “fit in” anywhere. Maybe one day…

9. My biggest pet peeve is people always having to “one-up” everyone else.

10. I love old movies…especially with Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, or anything musical. Nothing today really compares with the oldies!

11. I love anything retro. The original is always better than a copy! ( I should’ve been born a flapper!)

12. I love talking to the “old folks” and learning about how things used to be and where we came from.

13. I love to take random pictures. Not of people, just things. Patterns, animals, nature, sunsets, cities, interesting objects, old stuff…

14. I hate to dance. Nothing against it, just not my deal. I’ll play keys and sing instead!

15. I wish we didn’t need sleep. I think it’s a waste of time, and I hate having weird dreams.

16. I love my husband more every day.

17. I love watching movies. I don’t watch many TV shows, but movies are my weakness!

18. I am very eclectic – in food, clothes, style, music, friends, everything…

19. I love wrapping gifts and designing my own gift cards. I like them to have a touch of personality in them!

20. I have never felt good enough.

21. I always struggle with judging. I don’t want to.

22. I miss living in Reno. It is such a beautiful place. It felt like home, and the weather was just right! I also miss Lake Tahoe and Virginia City (2 of my favorite places!).

23. I love fixing dinner for good friends and using the best dishes…just for them!

24. I would love to go to London, Ireland and Scotland.

25. I love my son. He is a special gift, and truly God’s child. I want him to have every opportunity to become who God wants him to be.

My Parallel Universe

I was watching a movie last night, The Family Man, with Nicolas Cage. In the movie, he has this "dream" of how life could've been. In this parallel universe, he keeps trying to make sense of everything, but because it's not his life, everyone thinks he's flipped his wig. If you haven't seen it, it's really good. Check it out...

Anyway, more and more lately I feel like I can identify with him. At least in the parallel universe context. It seems like nothing makes sense anymore. The things that I think are sure and steadfast are far from it. The things that I don't have any desire for are in abundance. What I truly desire is so far out of reach. And God is silent.... I guess that's the hardest part. And to make it worse, the few times I feel like I've really heard His voice, it seems that I misunderstood.

I feel like one of those salmon trying to swim upstream. Except I'm not making any progress, and often times, I feel like I'm slipping back downstream. I struggle because what I do right now is not what I want to do with my life. Yet all I have heard lately is that I won't quit, I'll make it, just tough it out. Someone even told me...if you make it to your 30 years, you'll be glad to have that retirement. That just it...if...

The most frustrating part of it all is that I have struggled with this for about 6 years now. I feel like we keep going in circles, God and I. I pray that if it's what He wants from me, that He would give me a desire to do it. Yet it gets harder with each passing year. And if it's not, then help me to find that sweet spot. The one year I was able to take off was amazing. I learned a lot. Yet I had to return...and it's been harder every year since. I desire to be a light for Him, but it's so difficult. To the point that I feel sick many times when I think of going back each week. I know that it's a mission field...I know that I can be a light...but the stream pushes harder against me. Lately, I keep hearing people tell me that I can make it to 3o years, I can push through this, I can do it. But that's just it...I don't want to. I only have one life to live, and this isn't it.

And yet, that Parallel Universe kicks back in. It seems that the one thing that I desire is nowhere to be seen. I question if I made a wrong decision. Did I miss something? Did I eat bad lunchmeat and just dream it? Why can't I just get rid of that passion, and be happy just being. It's not enough for me. It seems that everything that I come up to says, you don't have what it takes.

I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I know that this place is not my home. I just don't even know where I fit into the big scheme of things anymore. Obedience has seemed to put us in obscurity. It feels so empty, so alone. I know He's there...He's just quiet. I wish I knew what He was thinking...