My Parallel Universe

I was watching a movie last night, The Family Man, with Nicolas Cage. In the movie, he has this "dream" of how life could've been. In this parallel universe, he keeps trying to make sense of everything, but because it's not his life, everyone thinks he's flipped his wig. If you haven't seen it, it's really good. Check it out...

Anyway, more and more lately I feel like I can identify with him. At least in the parallel universe context. It seems like nothing makes sense anymore. The things that I think are sure and steadfast are far from it. The things that I don't have any desire for are in abundance. What I truly desire is so far out of reach. And God is silent.... I guess that's the hardest part. And to make it worse, the few times I feel like I've really heard His voice, it seems that I misunderstood.

I feel like one of those salmon trying to swim upstream. Except I'm not making any progress, and often times, I feel like I'm slipping back downstream. I struggle because what I do right now is not what I want to do with my life. Yet all I have heard lately is that I won't quit, I'll make it, just tough it out. Someone even told me...if you make it to your 30 years, you'll be glad to have that retirement. That just it...if...

The most frustrating part of it all is that I have struggled with this for about 6 years now. I feel like we keep going in circles, God and I. I pray that if it's what He wants from me, that He would give me a desire to do it. Yet it gets harder with each passing year. And if it's not, then help me to find that sweet spot. The one year I was able to take off was amazing. I learned a lot. Yet I had to return...and it's been harder every year since. I desire to be a light for Him, but it's so difficult. To the point that I feel sick many times when I think of going back each week. I know that it's a mission field...I know that I can be a light...but the stream pushes harder against me. Lately, I keep hearing people tell me that I can make it to 3o years, I can push through this, I can do it. But that's just it...I don't want to. I only have one life to live, and this isn't it.

And yet, that Parallel Universe kicks back in. It seems that the one thing that I desire is nowhere to be seen. I question if I made a wrong decision. Did I miss something? Did I eat bad lunchmeat and just dream it? Why can't I just get rid of that passion, and be happy just being. It's not enough for me. It seems that everything that I come up to says, you don't have what it takes.

I don't feel like I fit anywhere. I know that this place is not my home. I just don't even know where I fit into the big scheme of things anymore. Obedience has seemed to put us in obscurity. It feels so empty, so alone. I know He's there...He's just quiet. I wish I knew what He was thinking...