a beautiful mess?

i don't know where i'm going, but i know where i don't want to be.  lately, life has seemed so confusing. so crazy. so messy.  the more i try to seek Him, the more fog seems to settle around me.  i'm not sure anymore where i'm heading, or what i even want to do.  i only know what i don't want to do, and who i don't want to be.  it seems that so much around us is "fake".  it's all about impressions, possessions, and professions.  but none of that is real.  none of it matters in the big scheme of things.  i'm tired of  trying to play the game, check off my list, follow all the rules, stick to the board game.  all it's gotten me is lost in the scheme of things.  i know i don't want to be where i'm at right now.  i don't want to stay in this world of the joneses.  i don't want to win one's approval.  i don't want a title or a prize.  i don't want to be a judge of others; for what i judge in them is what i'm full of.  i don't want to save the world; for i'll only lose my soul.  i don't want to have it all; for i'll lose my sanity.  i don't want to play by the rules or color in the lines any more.  it's not who i am.  and trying to "fit in" has nearly driven me out of my mind.  i'm tired of trying to find the path i'm supposed to be on, or even the road i'm supposed to carve myself.  i feel like it's got me stuck in the middle of a field of thorns, and i can't find my way out to capture that "flag" i've been searching for.  i've always believed that i was meant to live for something so much more, yet i'm beginning to wonder if this is it...?  was i looking to hard? was i dreaming too much?  it's as thought there's that "one thing" that i desire to do...yet what is that?  i just want to know that i am fulfilling His will.  sure doesn't feel that way right now.  i try to scream, but nothing comes out.  break these chains that hold me down.  let me swim to the surface so i can but breathe.  if i'm to be invisible, let me at least feel Your presence.  answer me... 

"He will be like a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver.  Then they will present offerings to the Lord in righteousness." (Mal. 3:3)

"Therefore, this is what the Lord of Hosts says: I am about to refine them and test them, for what else can I do because of My dear people?" (Jer. 9:7)

"I will put this third through the fire; I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested.  They will call on My name, and I will answer them.  I will say: They are my people, and they will say: The Lord is our God." (Zech. 13:9)